It was March 10th, and there we were, him walking beside me under the spring sun that felt more like an unwelcome guest. His shadow looked like a hundred maggots on the cracked pavement, and it turned my stomach. I studied his face closely, and a sense of compassion and pity welled up within me, for I believed he was a doctor's touch, a nurse's love. As he walked, the clap of the fading out sound of his shoes made me wonder who I thought I knew. I found it amusing that this sound filled my head not only when he was walking beside me but also when he was walking away from me. Sometimes he walked away from me while walking just beside me, anyways.
The buildings stalked us, their shattered windows gaping like wounds. People lived in them, but that didn't matter, since people also did a lot of dying. Nothing comforted me then. Everything prowled like a predator, everything swallowed everything, leaving only distant barks and the occasional screech of tires, a sinister rhythm.
I got tired of the lack of conversation, and the weight of my own body. I sat down on the pavement, seeking refuge from the sun beneath his shadow and my hands. Looking up at him, or rather, at the back of his head, I began to speak, partly to break the silence and partly to get on his nerves.
"Excuse me, sir. Are you in love? Do you like what you see? Do I please you? Would you mind if I helped you out of your coat and wore it myself? I have no money, could I fill my wallet with pictures of you? And can I say a word or two about the cadence of your stride? The subtle hint of a limp that renders you vulnerable? How easy it would be to defeat and take you over? Yes, I'm cruel, so I intuitively know where your surface can be broken through. But don't worry, I have no intentions of exploiting such fragility or preying upon your weakness. I'm not that kind of person. I don't need your shame to mend my broken pride. Could I untangle the knots in your hair? Or shave it if you'd let me? Why're you always in such a hurry walking me home? You only have a broken shower head, an uncomfortable chair, and a frozen cake waiting for you at home. And a pack of cigarettes you haven't touched in weeks because you had promised your mother. Will we have sex the next time I see you or will we just share a meal and make up sounds?"
He looked my way but not at me, and said: "Nothing kills my erection faster than a full cheesecake and a bottle of wine and the thought of how repulsive I must look."
I scoffed and said, "Such a man thing to do."
"What is?"
"Typical of a man to respond to just one of the many things said to him."
"Well, my limp is hardly noticeable" he spoke.
"To me, it is not," I asserted, "because I love you. There are moments when you repulse me, but it's only because I love you. Do you find me repulsive at all?"
"Should I?" he asked.
"I don't care about your love unless you find me irredeemable and repulsive and still find it in yourself to have love for me."
"You're irredeemable and repulsive." He spoke, seemingly amused by my earnestness, unaware of how seriously I took what I just said.
More silence followed, a heavy curtain descending between us, muffling any potential sound. I didn't want to tell him anything. I couldn't figure out if I felt strange in his presence or in my own, for we were always stitched together in one way or another, and I couldn't tell what the source of my uneasiness was. Whenever he walked me home like this, and I opened the front door to my house and walked in, I imagined him floating in the air in a mess of blue light, walking through my walls, shrinking and settling down on my right shoulder. So, despite our infrequent encounters, I never felt alone. The first time he looked at me it made me acutely aware of myself. And a strange delusion followed, where I was convinced for months that my limbs looked awkward, too tall, too short, too wide, too narrow, that my spine was all twisted, my fingers stretched for miles and miles. I felt like a performing circus animal even when he wasn't around, hunting myself to exhaustion once he was done hunting me, every interaction only solidifying my status as some kind of freak in my head.
"And what's so repulsive about me, then?" I asked.
He furrowed his brows, seemed to really think about it, looking down at his shoes and taking big deep breaths. It struck me as both amusing and endearing, this pretense of needing to ponder. I got closer to him, playfully nudging him, urging him to just spit it out.
"You're mean," he began, his words slow. "You're timid and bold, shy and fiery. Your posture is atrocious, you look like a primitive thing rather than a woman. You have no qualms about scolding me for anything, you're disagreeable and unforgiving, even cruel at times. You bite just to kiss, and kiss just to bite, and you relish in being needed, despite often feeling helpless when the need arises. You want anything and everything, but you just don't know what to do with it when it's all handed to you. You find more pleasure in hating yourself than loving me; so you're inherently selfish and narcissistic, and you hate me for loving you because I challenge the way you view yourself. How dare I have the audacity to do so? You fold your shirts incorrectly. And, to top it off, my father despises you."
"We should get married" I said, smiling a smile that felt rehearsed.
He had a dreadful nosebleed for the remainder of our walk, with his neck and shirt stained red. Strangely, I thought he wore it well. He didn't kiss me because he didn't want to get his blood all over me, a gesture I found rather insulting, sparking an argument between us. We soon reached my doorstep, exchanging farewells. Stepping inside, I half-expected him to float through the walls and follow me inside as he usually did, but this time, he simply remained outside. And the next time we saw each other on April 4, we did not have sex.